The idea behind the story started with a simple black and white line drawing. A friend asked me to design a tattoo - a bear surrounded by mountains.

After I drew this I began to think what kind of life this bear was living. So I started to draw a bit more..

This bear looks a bit sad, I thought. Why? Is he bored? Is it something else?

I don’t remember exactly when or why I drew the little star in the sky. I just remember that I also began to imagine a parallel life to the bear’s.

So I drew a coyote.

I had the idea of these two characters, both bored of their regular lives, that one day noticed a star in the day sky and started to follow it. I wanted the bear to start his journey from the front of the book and the coyote from the back, and then they would meet in the center of the book. I thought it was a cool idea because you could read it from either side of the book, but couldn’t quite make it work.

So I only focused on the bear.

By the time I got to this point the pandemic started. Living in NYC in that period was hard in a tuna can like apartment with Nate (my husband), surrounded by noise, cement, rats and bad smells. We also were stuck inside. I had a lot of time to think. I thought about the bear a lot. We were the bear that moved to a flashy city in search of something better.

Was it better?

Here are some early bear sketches:

In the beginning I was using black ink pens, but then I switched to a dark brown colored pencil. It gave a softer and warmer mood.

The book is divided in three parts : black and white; colors out of the lines ; colors in the lines. They also reflect the feeling of the bear: sad/bored; excited/confused; content/at peace.

For the scene where the crowd of people is walking on the street I made LOTS of sketches. I didn’t know what kind of technique to use to show the madness of the city. And this wasn’t only for the crowd of people but for that entire part of the book.

I even tried using Photoshop. The idea was interesting, but I’m really not a computer person. I’m old fashioned. I like old, ruined, lived things. I have to touch, discover, smell, get messy with the materials I work with. So I went back to my old colored pencils and gouache.

This became a wordless book. In the beginning I tried to write down the text, but the more I drew the less I wanted to write. The illustrations were already telling the story.

It took me 6 years to finish this project. I changed the story many times, tried different techniques. It was never good enough. I never tried to publish it through a publishing company until I found out about the “Silent Book Contest”. The winner got to publish his/her book with one of the biggest Italian publishing company. I then decided to give it a shot. This motivated me to finish the book. I worked non stop for 3 months. Like a lot of artists suggest to do, I was enjoying the process. I felt like a real children’s book illustrator.

Often, especially in the beginning, I had doubts about myself: I say I’m a children’s book illustrator, but am I really one? I don’t have a book out. I’m not drawing enough. These other illustrators are way better than me, etc.

The contest motivated me to finish the book, whether or not I was going to win. I was tired of living with impostor syndrome. I wanted to be a children’s book illustrator. I just needed to finish.

In the end, I didn’t win. But still, when I was back home in April last year, I took the opportunity to travel to Bologna and attend the BCBF (Bologna Children’s Book Fair). It was a wonderful and humbling experience. I met many talented artists, made new friends, and received valuable feedback on the book from art directors and fellow illustrators. I treasured that experience. When I returned home, I made changes to my book based on what I learned at BCBF. I decided to self-publish because the book was done and I needed to move on.

With Nate’s help, who used to work in publishing, I finally concluded this project and printed it myself. The Bear and the Star is now available for sale through this very website. I think this is what it means to be a self-taught children’s book illustrator.

I’m still looking forward to working with a publisher one day.

And this was the story of my very first book.

the End.

Behind the scenes of “the Bear and the Star”